“Failure’s hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you’re successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever.” - Po Bronson
Wow, that hurts so much more than I thought it would. Surprising how much “more real” it makes things feel. Made me let go a lot of anger too. I’m still here, just thought that maybe this will be good for the time being. During the “transition” period (which really should be over by now but it’s really just starting for me in my mind). So, hope you know that. And despite all of those reasons I used to tell you that you’re great… you’re simply great because you’re you. There’s nothing you can do to make me love/hate you any better/worse.
Sorry for a few things, thank you for a lot of things, and I’ll still be here for you for some things.
Thank you for teaching me so much about teeth…. & life.
:)
Put so many people on hold, I don’t know how to respond.
Never did this before, how do I turn it around?
They’re probably just as confused as me, I always pick up.
It’s just hard to sit still when it feel someone’s sick of ya, right?
Believe me, no lost love except for love itself
How can I love anyone else, not sure if I love myself
Started praying again, started going to church… somewhere
Not sure why I even go, just wanna feel like I belong… somewhere
Dodging questions like they’re bullets my closest friends text me,
Ambiguous replies devised from 3rd degree burns…
Kinda like the wives who lie but like the money their husband earns,
Trying to follow the lights from the bridges I let burn.
Please don’t hold it against me; playing it by ear cause my heart is all empty.
Human Defense Mechanism
“There seems to be a universal human tendency to design one’s actions consistently according to 4 basic values:
1. To remain in unilateral control
2. To maximize “winning” and minimize “losing”
3. To suppress negative feelings
4. To be as “rational” as possible - by which people mean defining clear objectives and evaluating their behavior in terms of whether or not they have achieved them.
The purpose of all these values is to avoid embarrassment or threat, feeling vulnerable or incompetent. The master program that most people use is profoundly defensive. Defensive reasoning encourages individuals to keep private the premises, inferences, and conclusions that shape their behavior and to avoid testing them in a truly independent, objective fashion.” - Professor Argyris, Harvard Graduate School of Business and Education
Why I do it I mean I don’t even know
Maybe I see it better than being addicted to a phone
the voices in our head (be it Satan himself, demons, or even our own flesh) use hurts, disappointments, losses, and all these less enjoyable experiences that have happened in the past against us. and it’s so sly. these scabs are slowly peeled off daily through subtle forms of popular songs, videos, ideas, quotes, movies, books, celebrities in their entirety, movements, images, and they reinforce beliefs that oppose God so subtly, they do. and each peel feels so damn good but we know what it ultimately leads to. eventually the scab is off, the wound is bleeding again, and now open & exposed to the elements making it highly likely if not guaranteed to get infected.
sounds dramatic but if we say we believe the Bible is true, isn’t this realer than any of the shit we say our lives are about? i always forget about the point of life. we compromise and make up such good excuses every single freaking time. “oh but God doesn’t want us to be unhappy, right? oh but God doesn’t want us to not utilize our full potential… therefore i oughta go for the big bucks and try to be as known and successful as possible…” i mean, at least for me. i don’t know about you. at least for me.
it’s a war every day. i feel it.
so what’s real, israel?
“I seen a rainbow yesterday
But too many storms have come and gone
Leavin’ a trace of not one God-given ray
Is it because my life is ten shades of gray, I pray all ten fade away
Seldom praise Him for the sunny days
And like His promise is true
Only my faith can undo
The many chances I blew
To bring my life to anew
Clear blue and unconditional skies
Have dried the tears from my eyes
No more lonely cries
My only bleedin’ hope
Is for the folk who can’t cope
Wit such an endurin’ pain
That it keeps ‘em in the pourin’ rain
Who’s to blame
For tootin’ cocaine in your own vein
What a shame
You shoot and aim for someone else’s brain
You claim the insane
And name this day in time
For fallin’ prey to crime
I say the system got you victim to your own mind
Dreams are hopeless aspirations
In hopes of comin’ true
Believe in yourself
The rest is up to me and you”
- Left Eye
As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
I know You been taking care of me,
Oughta be more grateful in my actions.
Seeing all my prayers come to be,
But still appeasing fleshly satisfactions.
